LOVE**Amy Winehouse** R.I.P. Unique creative one

THE FINAL GOODBYE…REHAB…”NO NO NO”…SAD CHOICES GIRL, SAD AWFUL SAD.   You did so good, you came so far.  So sorry you felt sick and went thru this pain of alcohol addiction at the end.  I am troubled by your passing.  I CAN ONLY HOPE YOU FOUND YOUR PEACE NOW.  YOU LEFT US A LEGACY…WITH MAGIC IN YOUR VOICE AND YOUR FABULOUS SMILES, YOUR BEAUTIFULLY COOL, FUNNY,UNIQUE, PERSONALITY AND STYLE, FOR ALL TO KNOW AND REMEMBER IN THE FUTURE OF OUR PLANET.  You left too early Amy…but I read you said it would be okay, and you were fine with this if it happened …now.   I deal with this everyday, with my own child, and do not believe life should be lived…short…I would feel awful, if she were not of this Earth at this time.  She struggles, as did you…I related.  I feel for your family and the heartbroken feelings they have, I do understand, to a smaller measure.  Your Dad is my friend on Twitter and he is doing as much as he can to keep your memory alive.  They all love and miss you dearly.  The world is looking forward to your new music with Tony Bennett and any other tunes that will surface.  We love you Amy, we always did!!

Finally at Peace…I pray for your soul… Amy Jade Winehouse

love loves love

JA/2011

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AMY AND DIONNE *LAST PHOTOS TAKEN OF AMY* JULY 20,2011

Amy’s family and her boyfriend on Anderson Cooper

‘REIGN OVER ME’

WOW…I had no idea what this movie was about or how timing it was to watch it today. Not only was 9 /11 a horrendous act of sadness and violence…it will just never go away for some. I related very deeply with Charlie…sad but too…I am broken, so it really hit home. There are many ways to ‘lose’ loved ones, and… I am fighting a battle I was not prepared for…lost…Mother…lost! Pray for us all who are trying to fight the fight. It SUCKS…MEMORY IS AN EVIL FORCE…AND THE LOSS OF ONES WE LOVE CAN TAKE ON MANY A FACE. IT DOESN’T HAVE TO BE ONLY IN DEATH, IT CAN JUST BE A DEEP ‘LOSS’. HELP/LOVE/CARE ABOUT PEOPLE, EVEN STRANGERS, MANY ARE FIGHTING A HUGE BATTLE, THEY MIGHT NOT SHARE ON THE ‘OUTSIDE’.

I DON’T GET IT…;(

Sadly, I am here to say…it did not last long…my Daughter seemed, herself…for a moment a week, maybe two…close enough to  look like  her lil face, her voice, her way…so gone now…so evil…I see it, I hear, I know it…the condescending tones, the looks, the sadness, of the why’s…she must feel the pain she sees in my face…I can barely take it…barely sleep, barely breathe…almost every other few minutes…she is what I think about…fuckin fuck  man this is awful…this is not fair…this is not my life…I hate this so so so much…TIC TOC TIC TOC…YOUR TIME IS GOING FAST ‘ME’..DON’T WASTE IT…I don’t know how to ‘be free’ of this need to help, be there, care…and I am so filled with wonder…why won’t she just tell me…?  It is so sad to me, that she does not love herself enough to stop, and save her future…no real smiles, all lies…it is so sad to me…I hate it…I can barely stand the ‘conversations’…that are spoken about in her home…or car, or anywhere…numb…nothing, blah…pain…stupid, lies, going nowhere…nothing…OMG…what the fuck…why why why…

My life is not what I had thought it would be…and neither is hers…oh the sadness…the time is flyin by…I am trying desperately to go forward with mine, as not to fall into the abyss…

Mother’s love

… hard…HARD…hard…words

John Cusack had posted this on his Twitter page last night…thought it belonged here…

Update… on ‘The Living’…

it WAS the demon IN THE SURGERY PHOTOS…and it is gone…along with it went my Daughter’s habit…she was on the 4th floor…I suppose she doesn’t know I asked the nurses desk…what floor this was for…mainly a detox floor…or patients needing to be watched due to drugs/drink in their lives and going thru surgery etc.  I heard the screams of ‘souls trying to fight’…down the hallway myself…hence…NOT TOO MANY VISITORS…!  SHE DOES NOT GET…HOW MUCH I KNOW WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON HERE!!

SHE HAS told me enough of those few days and the days since of her feelings of new beginnings, new lease on life Mom…

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anywho…we have seen each other @ her house and texted quite a bit…this went on and on…just a share of some positive…words out of my Daughter, which I have not heard since the start of this HELL…about 8 years ago or longer, when I really started to see the difference in my child, although I had thought it already had started maybe a year earlier…she is coming back slowly…I have not seen a real smile, felt real words, heard her speak of ‘real life’…in many, many years…just ‘fake tomorrows’ filled with lies…this is beautiful to me, this is real, this was worth the time I put on hold, to have my lil girl back lil by lil…

I am strong, I held on, with no one in my real world off of the internet (a few friends) to support me, let alone believe me…SHE WAS…INSIDE…but…oh so not (all)…My Daughter, who I feel, I truly almost know, AS WELL AS SELF…, was not herself, and now I see a better day…the veil has been lifted…

TRUE STORY…WHEN I LEFT HER HOUSE AFTER THE DR. GAVE US THE GREAT NEWS..BENIGN…that morning…SHE KISSED MY CHEEK WHEN WE HUGGED GOODBYE…SHE HAS NOT DONE THAT IN OVER 5/6 YEARS…PRAISE THE LORD….

ya get the drift…it was beautiful, real, and long coming…she will never do drugs again, whether or not she ever tells me…yes Mom, I was on drugs isn’t the point, I would hope she will,as it just brings more lies, more hiding, more uneasy feelings, it is so obvious to be scared of ‘the obvious’…but…the point is God gave her a second chance and as my Daughter…she took it…we SHOULD never say NO TO GOD…!!

I am back slowly, I  now have to deal with my own life, how far I have failed, fallen, lost a lot, a couple of good friends,gone down hill, been so alone, so afraid, so scared for us both…seperately and as Mother, Daughter…People can be oh so cruel, my ‘ears/mind’ won’t shut…up!!!  I am here daily, I am open to living and loving more so than anyone can imagine…I feel rejuvenated, light and bright…!!

God saved one of HIS  children and ‘us’…thru the hands and mind/heart of my Daughter’s surgeon and his team in the surgery procedure…truely a miracle…

I almost lost my lil girl to a DEMON in her mind/spirit/body/LIFE…and an illness(tumor, that was eating her alive, and her nutrients growing like a beast, crack cocaine and THE NASTY additives INVOLVED IN CUTTING THIS DRUG FOR CHEAP SALES AND A SICK HIGH…filled with unmeasurable nastiness and sickness to humans) that now we have to deal with…but I feel, never will…she doesn’t seem to like the truth at this point…so it is hard to see the difference…later…I have lost much…FAITH.

I pray one day she tells me the truth, set’s it free, lifts it up and ‘Let it GO’ we are strong, we are here for each other.  Honestly, if she doesn’t feel she can tell me her HELL…now, it is okay, is all I can say…I do know as sure as the sun comes up each day…all ‘the other’s'….are waggin their tongues, not speaking truth, not telling her what they thought,  felt, said to me…and that is very hard to deal with…again, more lies…even family…shame shame shame…THEY ARE ALL LIARS, TWO FACED RUBBISH…NEED TO BE THROWN AWAY…FAKE FRIENDS, NOT GOOD, NOT REAL, NOT THE ONES YOU TRULY NEED IN YOUR LIFE…;(   This betrayal…has caused so much pain and heartache…I never thought it would happen this deep to me…AGAIN;(

As of today, this moment, of Grateful today…she has told me enough in her own way/words/actions/wanting to live healthy/needing of me in the future and today, to let me know…so I am okay…Mom,I am on the mend, mentally, emotionally,physically,spiritually…I am back, I am okay, I love you, I thank you…we are blessed…movin forward…!!

AMEN!!! CANCER FREE (PHOTO OF TUMOR DOWN BELOW)

My goodness my Daughter is healing so well…physically and emotionally…I am so proud and happy for her and with her…and she is making me happy…it’s been way too long…and we are so grateful…nothing or no one will ever come between us…and trust me…we have been tested…even by GOD…we are solid…real unconditional love…;) we were just texting for hours…things about the future, words of love, feelings and sharing, emotions of LIFE…we haven’t said this to each other in years…awesome…  She had surgery to take out  sadly her both Ovaries, both Fallopian tubes and a 6 lb. 3 oz., Serous Tumor on Friday 7*23*…

…it is benign…7*29…AMEN

She will be seeing an Oncologist in about 2 weeks and have follow-up care till not needed any longer.  If he needs to he will be confirming with her OBGYN…who performed this amazing…eventual…God forbid…life saving surgery…in the nick of time.

GET YOUR PAP TESTS LADIES…THIS TUMOR…HITS BETWEEN 15-60 YEARS OF AGE…NUMBER 5 KILLER OF WOMEN…IF IT WOULD BE MILIGNANT…DEATH…COMES QUICKLY;(

Hold on lil one I know who you are

Hold on lil one I know who you are

Lost in the dark
gone too far
madness becomes daylight
hold on lil one
I know who you are
there is no fault
no blame to say
just desire this all
to go away

inner strength has to rise
truth to be told
takes a strong being
moments to unfold
no need to wonder
what do I think
it all is just stink
we can pull through
just me and lil one you

I won’t shut my heart
I haven’t shut the door
just can’t see it happen
to you and us any more
days turn to night
moments lead to pain
let’s get together
end this one way game

I know how the talks have gone
the fights they just come
counting the moments
hide the lies
one by one
the boiling point is here
the fear shouldn’t be a cover
I am still here
standing by
holdin on as Mother

7*9*10

© 2010

Sarah wrote this for her “dear” friend… she lost him… to cocaine…

Why I created this blog…;)

No one knows their child more than a parent…but for a Mother…it goes deeper. My Daughter has been addicted to Crack Cocaine for approximately 8 or more years.  My life pretty much became still as I watched hers go to the edge of the cliffs…hang on Daughter…she has yet to admit to me of this addiction…stating she has ’snorted’ twice Mom in the past 8 yrs… with that DEVIL tongue of lies…all lies…everyday some lie of something or another…since she had a short stint with it as an 18 yr. old, due to meeting an older fellow who saw her as pliable,they became boyfriend/girlfriend at that time and we all went through hell.  She is now 32…her health and her life are crumbling and yet no one helps.  She does not desire the help or to admit to her ‘closet use’ of this ill drug.  I on the other hand…can not deal so well, so I write…I always write!   It is better to ‘get it out’…then choke 24/7  from the pain within.  So many years, too  many days…more than countable moments of minutes of thinking and praying and begging for something to change.  We had a huge fight today(June 28,2010), the first one this big in a long while…she literally threw me out of her house…again…so, I decided to start this blog of my thoughts.   I can barely breathe…I love her unconditionally…that is my ‘first mistake’…IT GIVES HER CONTROL…I have backed down, but I can’t stop,so I keep my mouth shut nowadays…she is the one who brings it up in some snide way attacking me in regards with her mouth of lies and mean words.  She can be brutal,and very defensive…no fun…very hard to deal with and I am just not able to help.  When I have tried to help, talk, share,  care, be there…anything to get her to desire to  just tell me…”I need help, Mom”…these turn into fights and have been bad and mean and oh so sad in the long run.

Thank you for coming by.  I hope that we can share and care.  I am here to listen as well.

The first two poems I posted here are from 2007…I will try to put them in order, as I post them.  FORGET ABOUT IT…not going to be in order of dates written…it has been about 8 years that I have been going through this and the dates in order are irrelevant at this point.

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this lil number is my all time, yes I get it, feel it, know it…oh yes!!  Remember singin it to myself, the me, who ran away from home…  ‘in a sense’ when it came out and since then I have dedicated it in my mind as I used to sing it to her when she was a baby and toddler.  oh yes…recently posted in the past yrs. on Myspace…and she knew why…!!   YEPPERS…it’s all wild, wild, wild out there…and now my connection with this tune goes deep and left right and all around…and back again…CHOICES!  LIFE IS LIFE… DAMN IT ALL!!